


Before

by sandymg



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, J-Squared, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-25
Updated: 2012-03-25
Packaged: 2017-11-02 12:36:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/369041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandymg/pseuds/sandymg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life with Jensen is nothing like Jared ever could have imagined. But now that it's over, all he can do is follow the pieces to where it began.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is fiction. No harm intended. No profit made.  
> Warnings: Mental illness, homophobia, bullying  
> [ **Spanish Translation of Before**](http://z13.invisionfree.com/Supernatural_Foro/index.php?showtopic=4934&view=findpost&p=22114812%22) by Alfer

  


**_A little while ago_ **

The odor hits him first. Musk. Disarray. Salt water tears and discarded takeout containers. Time and silence and sadness. Boxes and debris and remnants of their life.

He clutches the envelope harder in his hand until it twists like a misshapen bow.

_It’s a prison, Jared, and I’m letting you free._

_Fuck you_ , he thinks but there’s no anger. Not the kind that matters, anyway. The letter sliced his finger when he opened it weeks ago and despite the passage of time he still feels the phantom throb. Dust motes dance through the room’s shadows. He blinks hard and walks with purpose to the windows, drawing all the shades up high. They flicker like fans rattling on a hot day.

Now there’s morning sunshine everywhere. Makes it harder to hide.

Jared yells out a single name announcing his presence.

Nothing left to do but stare at the shut bedroom door.

And wait.

**_A longer while ago_ **

“Danni, what is this?”

“Jared. Just. Take it. Please.”

The envelope is long and thin, worn with tiny rips and yellow edges indicating age. No writing on the outside. No hint at origin. He peeks inside and sees blue-lined paper and a familiar handwriting. It drops from his hand.

“Don’t do this to me,” he begs.

“It’s for you.”

“No … “ He staggers because his knees are rubber. It hurts. Every day. All day. “It’s not for me.”

She has the audacity to smile. “Of course it’s for you. When hasn’t it been for you?” Danni hesitates, won’t meet his eyes.

Jared looks down at the envelope on the floor. He’s puzzled. It’s much too worn to be anything recent. He’s confused as to what possible relevance it could have now. His frustration bubbles. “Tell me something at least. Tell me he’s on his fucking meds.”

She meets his eyes. “He’s trying. But he’s still Jensen.”

He knows what reading anything from his ex would mean. Knows that he’s hanging onto his life by a thread because dammit no matter how long it’s been. It’s not over. It never will be for him.

~~

Forty-five days and not a word. It’s an unprecedented record. They’ve never gone this long without talking. Hell, they hadn’t gone more than one day since Jared was fifteen. Jared’s picked up his phone and put it down more times than he can count.

He’s supposed to be living his life now.

It’s hard to take that seriously when everything that defined life is back at the home he no longer has. With the man he hasn’t laid eyes on in forty-five days. Well, at least not when his eyes are open. Nothing can keep him out at night.

Images superimpose. Smiling, crying, begging, screaming, raging, laughing. Loving.

_I can’t love. You know that. My brain won’t let me._

_Take your meds._

_What makes you think I didn’t?_

And it’s worse. Except he doesn’t know which was worse that last time. That Jensen took his meds or that he didn’t. 

~~

He’s back because he always comes back. Because his life is tethered to a bungee and it always returns. Here. To Jensen.

It takes his eyes a moment to adjust to the dark rectangular shape on the stoop.

The suitcase is stuffed full, bulging like it ate too big a meal. And suddenly Jared’s tired. Like the suitcase landed on his back rather than sitting innocently on the ground. Like it had been thrust at him. Maybe it had? So many things flew about. Words. Things. Feelings. Could never strap them down. Pin Jensen down. Although he wanted to do so many times.

Except.

 _The ties dug into Jensen’s wrists and left ugly red marks and they burned Jared’s arms as if they were his own arms strapped to the gurney._ And no. He never wanted to see that ever again.

So he takes the suitcase and does the one thing he swore he’d never do.

He leaves.

~~

“You can’t love? Fine. Say it. Say it. Make me leave. You know what it’ll take!”

Jensen rakes his hand through his short hair. A habit that’s also a tell. He’s lying. Jared always knows when Jensen lies.

“You have to go Jared. Have to. This isn’t living. I’m killing you. I’m crazy, not stupid. I know. Sometimes … sometimes it clears, Jay, it clears … like a lake or a sky. Just blue. Only blue and still. So still. Maybe it doesn’t last. It comes back. But long enough. I can see it.”

“See what, Jen?”

“You. Dying slowly. And I can’t. I won’t watch. So leave. Yes, I mean it. I want you to go. To move out. To leave here. Leave me. I called a lawyer. I already signed whatever they said. You owe me nothing.”

Jared tries not to get angry, because, what the fuck? “You called a lawyer?”

“It’s called a divorce.”

“Jensen … “

“Done. It’s done. We’re done. You’re free, Jared. It’s a prison and I’m setting you free.”

He steps forward. Arms out. “Jensen. It’s not a prison. Being married to you. I know it’s not always easy.”

Jensen is laughing now and it’s hard for Jared not to look around. The debris of his existence at his feet. Jensen’s last episode barely a week old and the layers are still there. Built upon the last one. There’s always a last one. But he’s used to it. He copes.

“Not anymore.”

Had he spoken aloud? He tries again. “Jen. It was better … let’s call Doctor Sam. We’ll go see her together again.”

“No need. I saw her. After. And I told her I wanted to end this. The marriage. Us.”

Jared doesn’t know what to think. His heart is racing faster than he can handle. He knows he needs to get out at least for a walk or run because … And then come back. Because where could he really go?

“What did she say?” he asks on a shaky breath.

Jensen comes closer. He can smell the sweat and watch the ticks of adrenaline run through his husband’s jaw. “She said to do what I wish. It’s what she always says. And to take my meds.”

This somehow breaks a smile out of Jared. “I … I’m going to take a walk.”

The hand gripping his arm is iron tight. “Jared. You can’t come back.”

Jared narrows his eyes. “You can’t stop me.”

“Watch me.”

He’s different this time. So fucking certain and lucid. Jensen’s eyes haven’t looked this clear in a long time. No sign of invisible demons. And it hurts. It kills that it’s happening this way. “You didn’t say it,” he says back but it’s weak. And he’s losing. And it feels like dying.

“I don’t love you,” Jensen says eyes like a clear pond. “And I took my meds.”

And Jared really does stop breathing. Until Jensen lets go of his arm to run his hand through his hair.

~~

Danni is what Jared thinks of as an original. A friend from Before. There aren’t many. She knew Jensen when his face danced joy and laughter and snark. Sarcasm and biting wit. Steady, calm, brave. His rock. Jared can do with her what he can’t do with any other friend. He can let himself mourn.

He walks in to see Danni and Jensen huddled. She is shaking her head as if she doesn’t agree with something. They quiet immediately.

“Hey Dan,” he greets. It’s hard not to sigh looking around. The aftermath is never pretty. The photos are everywhere. Jensen’s genius. His gift. His curse.

“You didn’t have to call her. Told you I’d be back to help clean up.”

Jensen is on his hands and knees sifting through the glossy sheets. Images peer back at him like a crossword cut up into individual boxes. The clues written across Jensen’s soul. Jared aches and lets himself feel it for a moment.

“It’s not right,” Jensen says.

Danni stares at them both. “Jen … Jared understands.”

But this doesn’t soothe. “I know that. But he shouldn’t have to anymore.”

Jared stares at his husband. “It’s okay. We’ll clean it up.”

Once more he looks over the photos. Bits of things Jensen had to capture.

_They disappear if I don’t. It’ll vanish. All of it. And I’ll be alone all alone have to Jared have to_

He picks up the box he brought in. “Look. I got you another box.” Jared folds along the creases and the box slowly takes shape beneath his hands. There are other such boxes piled in pillars around the living room. Monuments of episodes past.

“It has to be different this time.”

Jared looks over but Jensen is speaking to Danni. Her eyes are liquid and something cold creeps under Jared’s skin.

~~

The shutter clicks like a thousand crickets. Jensen can’t stop. He moves like a Tasmanian Devil, face hidden behind the camera, finger snapping frame after frame.

And all Jared can do is bite back the anger. It’s bad. Out of control and borderline dangerous and he knew it was coming because Jensen was lying about his pills. And Jared fucking knew it.

“Jen … “ he tries. But it’s talking to the wind. Trying to capture a whirlwind in a net. Jensen must take these photos. Or the world he knows will cease to exist. Dozens of doctors explained this to him over the years. The hallucinations, delusions. They are real to Jensen.

And the worst is when Jensen says … “Jared … Jay stand there. Let me let me let me. Can’t have you vanish. Not you. Anything but you.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Jensen swings around him, squatting and dropping down to aim up and then swirling back to photograph every inch of Jared. He is documented. Captured. From his toes to the uppermost hair on his head. Once, when Jensen was piecing the photos together painstakingly for hours he thought he missed a pinky and he cried for hours, convinced it was his fault Jared was mutilated.

Jared stands patiently until he’s sure Jensen has captured all he needs. He steps away when Jensen has moved on to the couch. Watching through his stinging eyes as his husband kneels on it to photograph every fiber.

It takes a long time.

And then Jensen takes the camera’s memory card to the computer and will not stop until they are all printed. Sometimes he wets his pants because he can’t stop until it’s done. Because they must all be printed. And then assembled.

Jared has cleaned him up and poured water down his throat and wiped away tears he truly didn’t think he could have any longer.

“Jen, babe, why did you stop this time? I thought Doctor Sam was working out?

Jensen is on his eighth hour of photo assembly. They cover every inch of the apartment. Jared lets the thought _drowning_ enter his mind before guilt kicks it back out.

Several hours later Jared maneuvers carefully around the photos. Hundreds of 8 x 10 prints reproducing everything in sight. It’s beautiful and reminiscent of a Chuck Close painting. The world divided into little segments. Jared wonders if this is what happens to Jensen’s brain. Does it dissolve into boxes each fighting for control. From behind him there’s a stir and then the bedroom door opens. Jensen always naps after one of these sessions. Really, he collapses and Jared carries him to bed. Pulls the blankets up. Spends a few moments taking in the finally restful face. Eyes shut and long lashes spread gracefully in an arch. So beautiful.

He wonders when he won’t think this. Wonders if there ever will be a time when Jensen’s crazy will turn him ugly. Hasn’t happened yet.

Now Jensen stands at the threshold to their bedroom. He’s staring at the hundreds of photos strewn throughout the room. He meets Jared’s eyes and there’s a lucidness that is almost scary. Something is different but Jared doesn’t know what it is.

“I’m sorry.”

Jared doesn’t have anything to say to that. He doesn’t want to get into yet another argument about Jensen taking his pills. He sees that Jensen is fine and is too tired personally to do anything about the mess. They will have to box it all up as they have all the photos Jensen takes. The boxes are labeled and organized. Jensen has a method. A method to his madness Jared thinks with no small amount of irony.

He grabs his jacket. “I’m just gonna take a walk. I’ll help clean it up when I’m back. I just … need to get out for a little while.” Jared hesitates. Approaches Jensen but doesn’t touch.

“Jay,” Jensen puts his hand on his shoulder. The grip is strong and familiar and Jared just wants to fall into him but he stays still and waits. “I can’t do this to you anymore.”

Jared shrugs Jensen’s hand off at that and can’t help his anger. “Then take your fucking pills.”

He leaves before his anger can get the better of him. Before he says more. It’s been said a million times. What’s the point?

~~

“Hey, what’s all this?”

Jensen smiles brightly. “I wanted to surprise you. I made dinner. It’s all ready, just sit and we can eat.”

The steak is perfect and Jared’s digging into the baked potato with gusto. Jensen is beaming bright and looking so happy and despite the delicious food and contagious good mood, alarms are sounding in Jared’s head. Because this looks suspiciously like that sweet spot of just enough days without his medication to make Jensen as close to original Jensen as Jared can remember. But it won’t last.

Jared hates breaking the mood but he has to ask. “Jen … I’m sorry … it’s just I have to be sure and we said it’s always okay to talk about it. I know you really like Doctor Sam. But you are still taking your pills, right?”

Jensen doesn’t even blink. “Of course. I don’t want to fall into that again. It hurts too much. I understand the tradeoffs. Doctor Sam is working on balancing out some meds so the results are more … subtle. I’m feeling pretty much like me. Does it feel that way to you, too?”

Jared feels a lump in throat inexplicably. They’ve finished dinner and are sitting on the sofa, they were going to pop in a DVD but suddenly Jared just needs to feel close. He pulls Jensen to him. “Yes. It does. Like the you I fell in love with. Like the man I adore.”

A quick nip at his lips is followed by, “And you are the same sap I fell for.”

Jared laughs. Jensen teasing about Jared’s chick flick moments is so familiar. But now Jensen has straddled him and the little nips are turning more serious. Intent behind each lick against his lips. “Gonna make you come till you scream,” Jensen is murmuring into his mouth, his hips grinding down punctuating each word.

“The only screamer in this relationship is you,” Jared rebuts. Even though it’s not totally true. They can both get loud.

Jensen is grinding his ass over Jared’s lap and now is mumbling, “Fuck me fuck me fuck me.” And, well, Jared is only human. Even though this much, this fast, isn’t quite Jensen.

And Jared knows that.

~~

It’s only been three sessions in but Jared already can tell Samantha Ferris is different. It’s not the first psychiatrist that has asked to meet with Jared but the only one that asked questions like she’s asking.

“I appreciate your taking the time to come here. Jensen talks about you a great deal.”

Jared blinks and realizes he’s blushing but can’t help it. “I … I’d rather he spent the time on himself. This is about him.”

Doctor Sam smiles at him. It’s soft and slightly indulgent and oddly reminds him of how Jensen looks at him occasionally. “Jensen has told me that you and he have been together since you were both fifteen.”

“Yes. We met when I transferred to his high school in my sophomore year. Became friends first. Jensen, he, was out. Pretty much the only out boy at school. I wasn’t. But I liked him. Hard not to. Anyway, we started dating sort of. Nobody knew.”

Her eyes lock with his and she crosses her shapely legs slowly. “That’s a long time Jared. Before his symptoms manifested.”

Jared’s instantly thrown back to those early years.

_A sudden growth spurt made Jared try out for basketball. It was their second practice when he glanced over the court to see the cheerleaders practicing. That’s when he realized that mixed in with all the short skirts were three pairs of track-pant clad legs._

_“Wow. I didn’t realize there’s such a thing as boy cheerleaders.” He hadn’t even realized he’d spoken aloud until Adams answered back._

_“Yeah. Wassmerman, Hendel and Ackles. Wassmerman and Hendel claim it gets them pussy. I dunno. Seems nothing but queer. Ackles just likes dick, an’ everyone knows so he’s just one of the girls.” At that Adams let out a laugh._

_Jared had fought a stammer. “He’s … gay?”_

_“Yeah. So watch yourself in the locker room with him. But don’t worry, we’ve got your back now.”_

“Was it difficult being in a relationship when Jensen was out and you weren’t? Did you wish perhaps he also kept it a secret?”

Doctor Sam’s words stun Jared back to reality. “What? No. God, Jen … back then. Hell, always. He’s the bravest man I know. I could never wish him to be anything else.”

~~

“Jared, I wanted to talk to you about a new doctor I read about. Her results have been impressive. She’s subtle with her approach to medications and she’s a very skilled therapist.”

“Allan. Please. Jensen is barely home one day. I can’t think about changing anything now. I just … he’s home.”

Jensen’s father means well. Everyone means well. And sure they passed hell with him. But not the same way. Maybe Jared was selfish because he knew all their family loved Jensen. Just. Not like he did. It wasn’t their entire world strapped down to a gurney, struggling, wild and deranged and through it all calling out only one name.

“Jay … I know it’s soon. But in a few weeks please give her a call. Her name is Ferris. She’s been written up about in all the journals. And I know someone that knows someone. I can get Jensen in even though supposedly she’s not seeing any more patients.”

Jared turns his head toward the locked bedroom door. He doesn’t want Jensen hearing this. His husband was asleep last Jared checked. Face relaxed. He’d fallen asleep in Jared’s arms. Told him it’s the first time he’d felt safe in a month. Because safe for Jensen, was Jared. And home, for Jared, was Jensen.

“Okay,” he says finally. “Leave the card.” He looks back to the door. “Allan, I’m going … “

His father-in-law is nodding. “Go back in.” A hand reaches out and Jared is pulled into an awkward half embrace. “Jay, you take such good care of him. What about you? Are you okay?”

It’s not the first person to ask Jared that. His mother, father, brother. Jensen’s family. Every friend he has. Everyone but Danni who knew that the answer depended on the man currently sleeping in their bed.

“I’m fine, Allan.” The older man holds his gaze as if needing further assurance. Jared gives him the only one he has. “Jensen’s home.”

~~

“Hey babe.”

“Jared. When can I go home? I wanna go home.”

Jared sighs. He’s heard this same refrain every day for the past week. Shouldn’t be much longer now. The doctors are on the verge of releasing Jensen. He sits on the edge of the bed but then scoots up and holds Jensen against him. “I want you home, too.”

From the small hitch he can tell Jensen is crying. Instantly his own eyes fill. A small voice sounds near his ear. “I’m sorry, Jay.”

“I know.”

“I feel clearer now. So maybe I can think.” Jensen twists in his arms and Jared is faced with wide, wet eyes. He doesn’t know what he’s seeing in their depths. “It’s just … I love you so much.”

“I love you. That doesn’t change. Never.”

“Have to think about what’s right. What’s fair.”

“I want you to concentrate on feeling better. On feeling like you again.”

Jensen shuts his eyes at that. “You miss that boy, don’t you.”

Jared doesn’t answer.

“So do I,” Jensen whispers. “It’s why I have to think. Ask what he’d do.”

“He’d tell you to keep strong. Like you always do. And to lean on me, when you can’t.”

~~

“He’s stable.”

Jared glares at the physician. “He’s drugged into a stupor. That’s not--You don’t know him. How alive he is. This isn’t … you’re killing him.”

“Mr. Ackles-Padalecki. Jared. I understand. But we needed to calm him down. There are various treatment options open to discuss beside the medication. I understand that Jensen has tried Electroconvulsive Therapy before. ECT has been proven quite effective in severe situ—“

“No. We are not doing that again. Never.” Jared can’t help the shudders. They hadn’t been married then. Jensen’s parents were still in control of Jensen’s medical treatments.

Jensen had aged visibly after they tried ECT. He trembled like an old man. Lost his memory. It killed Jared to think that what they’d shared in their youth -- things from Before -- were gone. Luckily, most of it came back. But no. He was not putting his husband through anything like that again.

The doctor backed off. “Okay. Well, we’ll table that for now. I’ll start weaning him back a little slowly on the sedatives and continue on the antipsychotics and antidepressants and let’s see if we can find a good balance. You might want to head home. I’m certain he’ll be out the night.”

Jared meets the other man’s eyes. “No. I want to be here when he wakes up.”

“Oh. I’m sure he’ll sleep through the night.”

Jared had heard that before. Until Jensen woke screaming from nightmares. They’d just shoot him up again if Jared wasn’t here to calm him down. “Please. Can I just stay in his room again?”

The doctor runs his hand over the back of his neck. His brown eyes glint beneath his glasses. “This isn’t how we—“

Jared knows he’s minutes away from losing it. Can feel the pressure behind his eyes and the pain of a headache beginning in the center of his forehead. “Please,” he utters one last time.

“Very well. I’ll alert the nurses’ station.”

~~

He runs in as wild as any psychiatric patient.

“They brought my husband here. Jensen Ackles-Padalecki. Take me to him. Now.”

“Mr. … um. Please take a seat in the waiting area and I’ll look up your husband’s records. Just give me a few--”

“No. You don’t understand. He didn’t try – it was an accident. I just … I was working. And the neighbor, she didn’t know. I guess she got scared. But he wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. Or himself. He just got loud. Please. He needs me. Has to see that I’m still here. I need … please, where’d you take him?”

A few clicks later the attendant looks up. “He’s up on five.”

The Psych Ward.

Jared runs to the elevators.

He’s barely out when he starts hearing it.

_JARED … JARED … JAY … JARED … JAY!_

He follows the voice that owns his soul.

The gurney is in a small alcove. They must not have a room for Jensen yet. He’s strapped down, wrists, torso, legs, ankles. He’s fighting although Jared knows they must have pumped him full of medication already. His eyes are glass. Jared can’t imagine what Jensen sees.

All he knows is what Jensen is calling out over and over.

“I’m here, Jen. I’m right here, baby. I’m so sorry.”

Jensen is still yelling, voice growing hoarse and Jared wonders how long he’s been lying here screaming Jared’s name. He swipes impotently at a tear and runs his hand over Jensen’s face. It’s too late. Too much medication and Jensen can’t focus. He’s trapped in his own head. The demons have him. And the straps have him. And Jared … Jared just wants to hold on and beg Jensen to come back to him.

A voice from behind him interrupts. “Who are you? You can’t be here, I’m sorry.”

Spinning angrily, Jared lets his frustration out. “I’m his husband. Why do you have him tied down so tight, it’s cutting his circulation. And why is he out here in the hallway? Where’s the doctor?!”

The harried orderly runs away and Jared returns to his world. “Jensen … listen. You’re in the hospital. Mrs. Harris told me what happened. It wasn’t your fault. She shouldn’t have forced the super to let her in. She’s fine, mostly startled. I put the photos back together again. They are fine. Just like you want. It’s okay. Nothing happened to us. To me. I’m here.”

“Jared … Jared … Jay … “

“I’m here.” Jensen’s voice is fading. It’s barely a croak now and his eyes are slits. Jared takes Jensen’s hand, what he can reach of it as it’s tied tight to the post. He works his fingers around it. “Feel me. I’m right here. Not going anywhere. The photos are back together. It’s fine. I promise.”

A long while later a doctor appears. Jensen is asleep by then. They process his insurance and give him a room. The doctor takes the long medical history notes that Jared always carries with him.

When he’s alone with Jensen again Jared slowly pulls out his cell and dials Jensen’s parents number. But he disconnects before they pick up and dials Danni instead.

~~

“He was wild, Jared. Crazy. I thought he’d kill me.”

“Mrs. Harris. He wouldn’t hurt you. You should have just left him alone. Called me.”

“He accused me of killing you.” Her eyes pierce Jared as if that accusation was insulting to her.

“You called the police?”

Jared’s heart is pounding out of his chest. He can’t take any more time with his neighbor. He has to get to Jensen.

“I have to—“

“He said I made you disappear because I shuffled those photos or some such thing. He was wild, I tell you. It’s not safe. I think … don’t take this the wrong way … but he should be somewhere where they can take care of him.”

Red heat crawls up Jared’s neck. “Jensen is fine. You disrupted him and that upset him. I take care of him. Here. In our home. Now I have to go.”

**_Three years earlier_ **

It’s like floating.

The band is playing and Jensen is gliding in his arms. He’s so gorgeous Jared can hardly breathe. And his smile is radiant.

“How are you feeling, right now?” Jared asks because he wonders if this much happiness can possibly be experienced by anyone other than himself at this moment. It feels like he’s swallowed up all the joy in the world and is giving it back in sun rays.

Jensen tilts his eyes up. He’s just slightly shorter than Jared. Enough that Jared can draw Jensen’s head to his shoulder when they dance close. “Like the luckiest man on the planet.” Jensen smiles even brighter. “Hell, the whole universe.” He whoops and pulls away and twirls Jared around and laughs like sprinkles falling onto a soft-serve cone.

“I told you getting hitched was the best idea ever. And you know I have some super special ideas.” At that, he leers at Jensen.

“Like whipped cream and ice cubes?”

Jared blushes. Jensen laughs again. “You’re so easy.”

“I sure plan to be.”

“Flirting with me in front of all these folks. Who would have believed that shy basketball player would become this strong, out, amazing man?” Jensen grows quiet and his smile fades. “Who’d marry me.”

“Hey … not again. I couldn’t not marry you. I can’t not be with you.”

“I’m going to try to keep it together for you. I promise. I added it to my vows privately.”

He brings Jensen closer. It feels odd to be having this talk on the dance floor and he sways them to the side. Everyone parts and lets them through. He sees smiles coming his way. They haven’t separated since the music started and he knows he’s supposed to dance with others, his mother especially. But he can’t let go just yet.

It’s true what Jensen said. How amazing it is that he’s standing here, married to another man. Publicly stating his love and devotion and not hiding. “Jen. This. Me, here, everything. Everything that I am I owe to you. You made me want to be brave. To try to be half as strong as you are. You inspire me. I don’t … there really aren’t enough words to say how much I love you. I want you to be healthy for you. Not for me. Because to me, you’re perfect. Always was and always will be.”

He watches the light play off Jensen’s beautiful eyes and his Adam’s apple move up and down quickly. Jensen ducks his head. “Can we get out of here now?”

Jared snorts. “We just got here. Gotta stay a little bit. But we’ll cut out early. Start on that honeymoon, okay?”

“Jay?” Jared waits as Jensen finishes. “You’re right. It’s not enough. But it’s all I got. I love you.”

~~

Danni squeals. “Oh, Jay. How wonderful. I always knew you two would be forever.”

Jared hugs his old friend. She’d been head of the cheerleaders in high school and was Jensen’s best friend. But now he considers her the same way.

Wariness fills her voice. “What did his folks say?”

“Allan’s worried. But what else is new? Isn’t sure I’m up to it. Couldn’t do a worse job of it, I say.”

Jared knows there’s bitterness in his voice. But some memories are still so painful he shudders when they rear up.

“It’s not easy, Jay. Jensen will always have this. The schizophrenia will never go away. It can be managed but that’s it. And living with him, well, you know, it’s not always easy.”

“I know that. I don’t care.”

“I know you don’t.”

Danni’s voice is odd when she says that. Jared asks, “What do you mean?”

But she deflects. “Nothing. I know how much you love him. And he loves you.” She’s oddly fierce suddenly. “Jay. Don’t forget that. He’s loved you since you were both fifteen. You’re his world.”

“And he’s mine.”

Her eyes are practically gold as she looks up at him again but they aren’t happy and Jared keeps feeling uneasy. “Has Jensen spoken to you. I mean about marrying me. Is he … is there something I should know?”

“I know he sometimes gets down on himself, especially after an incident. He fears hurting you.”

“He couldn’t do that.”

“Jay, I don’t mean physically. He’s not stupid. He knows how draining it can get.”

Jared entrenches because nothing is keeping him from marrying Jensen. And he can’t help but think that Danni’s words are more Jensen’s father than anybody else’s. “For better or for worse. I get it. Long haul. He’s worth it, Dan.”

~~

“Don’t get me wrong, Jay. You’re a fine man. And you’ve been wonderful to Jensen for all these years. Especially at first when we didn’t know what was going on. You were a rock then. I … I’ll always be grateful for your forcefulness in having us face what was happening. Getting Jensen into treatment.”

“Allan—“

“No. Please, let me finish. I’m just afraid that you aren’t thinking clearly about what you’d be committing to. Jensen is ill. It took me a long time to accept that but I do now. His brain doesn’t work like it should. And the medication only works when he takes it. But that doesn’t always happen. He hates it. And resents it. It’s a vicious cycle. I know that he promised yet again he’d follow the doctor’s advice. And I want to believe that he’d do that for you even if he didn’t for us. But Jared … “

Jared fights back the bitterness. If they could have institutionalized Jensen he believes Jensen’s parents would have chosen that route. Luckily it’s not the preferred treatment any longer. And Jensen can live a full and rich life by following a regimen and keeping with his appointments. And yes, taking his pills. It’s an illness, yes, but it’s not a life sentence in the way Allan sees it. Jensen’s brain chemistry is off. And he needs help keeping it on track. Doesn’t stop Jensen from being the boy that Jared loves.

“I’m going to marry Jensen,” he says simply.

“Do you really know what you’re getting into?”

Jesus, does this man even hear himself? “I’m getting to share my life with the most amazing man I know. That’s what I’m getting into.”

Allan shakes his head and Jared’s had enough. “Are you trying to talk Jensen out of this? Is that why he asked me over and over if I’m sure? Because I am. And he is. And we are getting married.”

“I asked my son the same tough questions I’m asking you.”

“Don’t make him question himself more than he does. Please. He has enough on his shoulders. I’m sure about this.” Hell, if there’s one thing in his life that Jared is sure of, it’s Jensen.

**_Before_ **

He’s shaking and he feels like eels are swimming around his guts and the only thing that helps is looking over at the boy still on the ground beneath him. The locker room is silent and has been since Jared pulled Adams off Jensen and told him to fuck off.

“What’s it to you? Why do you keep protecting this fag?”

Jensen stumbles up, rubbing the shoulder that hit the bench. It’s going to bruise and Jared thinks it should be iced. He knows that shoulder. He’s leaned on it and kissed it and slept on it. He’s cried out in ecstasy and in hurt on that shoulder. He’s shared his biggest fears and his deepest emotions.

For three years Jensen has withstood these assholes, never even hinting at the relationship he and Jared share.

Jared’s broken up some bullying before but he’s never said a word about _them._ Jared’s iced bruises and he’s cuddled his boyfriend after the fact, Jensen always saying it’s okay. Always saying Jared didn’t have to say anything. How can Jared tell Jensen he loves him and then leave him alone to face this? What does that say about him?

_Why bother, we’re seniors. We’ll be out of this hell soon enough._

Reaching for Jensen’s hand Jared squares his shoulders. Jensen struggles to pull away but Jared holds tight, meets his eyes, mouths _, I love you._ Turns back to the locker room.

“Because I’m gay. And he’s my boyfriend. And if you touch him again I’ll personally feed you your balls.”

~~

“Yo, faggot, can you get your hag to go out with me? Would love to get me some of those personal cheers. Waste of time on the likes of you.”

“Fuck off. Danni isn’t good enough to share your shadow.”

Danni takes Jensen’s arm. “Let it go, Jen. He’s a Neanderthal. He’s not worth it.”

Jared takes it in from a short distance, stomach clenching. He sees the second Jensen notices him, the shy smile lifting the corners of his lips. But Jared’s teammates are around him, laughing at the scene they just witnessed. Head down he avoids Jensen’s eyes and walks past silently.

He feels Danni’s cold stare linger on him a long time.

~~

It’s so good, panting against Jensen’s mouth as they rut against each other. “Oh god, oh god, Jensen, almost there.”

“Me, too. Touch me. Jay, need you”

Jared rolls off, and brings his hand down surrounding them both together. He’s jerking hard now, rough, like they both like it. Bodies in synch in this as in everything else. Jensen’s full lips find his again. “Did you mean it?”

“Ahh, what?” Jared’s seconds away from coming and thoughts are hard to process.

“Before, when you were on top of me. You said you loved me.”

How is Jensen having a conversation now? What is he, Superman or something? Jared just needs a few more strokes before … he shoots between them hot and sticky. Jensen follows with a strangled moan straight into Jared’s neck. It’s so sexy it causes Jared’s cock to spurt one last time.

The sheet is at hand and has to be washed anyway so Jared uses it to wipe them clean. When his breath returns he meets Jensen’s eyes. “Yeah. I love you.”

It’s quiet and Jared is suddenly scared that he misjudged. That Jensen somehow didn’t feel the same. It didn’t seem possible but the quiet continues.

“I just … wow.” Jensen brings his hands up to cup Jared’s face before kissing him deeply. “You’re like this gift,” he says gently. “This magical, amazing, gorgeous gift that came into my life. That trusted me … “ Jared blinks because they are so close but he can tell tears are filling Jensen’s eyes and knows his own are misting up.

“I love you,” Jensen says. “So, so much. I almost can’t believe you love me back.”

Jared smiles. “Well, I do, so get used to it.” But then Jared remembers their situation and feels the familiar heaviness of fear. “Jen. I wish … I just can’t tell anyone yet. I’m sorry.”

A hand caresses his hair. “Don’t be. God, after what you just gave me. Keep giving me. When you’re ready. I’ll be here for you if and when you want to let anyone know. No pressure. Just … let me love you, okay?”

~~

Entering without knocking is nothing new because Jared pretty much comes and goes from Jensen’s room whenever he pleases. It’s different at Jared’s house. Jensen visits as a friend and even though Jared’s parents are always nice to him, Jared hates it. They can’t touch. Jared feels tense the entire time Jensen visits and is actually happy when he leaves.

Which is crazy because the minute Jensen is gone Jared misses him. Jared knows this relationship means something. Knows his feelings have gone way further than anything he’s known before. He thinks he’s in love with this boy. And that changes the notion of being gay to something so real. He isn’t ready to deal with the rest of it. He sees the bullying, the abuse, the teasing , the mockery that Jensen goes through every day. And even though he hates himself for it, he knows he’s still too afraid to say anything.

But in Jensen’s house, it’s different. Jensen is out to his parents and, well, Jared is out to them, too. It’s weird that they are the only people other than Jensen that know about him. But they haven’t judged. Said they won’t say anything and respected his need for privacy. He thinks Jensen’s parents are pretty cool all things considered, even if Jensen’s dad is a little weird.

“Whatcha doin’ Jen?”

Jensen is stretched out on his stomach on his bed, furiously writing something. He blushes as he looks up but then resumes. A few minutes later he stops and folds the lined paper into a long white envelope.

“What is that?” Jared asks again.

Jensen slips it in his desk drawer before walking over to give Jared a kiss. “Just some stuff I wanted to remember. I’ve been … dunno. Feeling weird things sometimes. Like something bad is going to happen. And, I thought, well, I wanted to put down all the good things. In case I forgot or something.” He shakes his head. “Don’t mind me. I’m in a weird mood. Gotta lay off the heavy metal.”

Jared laughs, leaning in for another kiss. “Since when are you a metal head?”

“I have varied tastes.” But Jensen is giggling now. Whatever mood was bothering him seems over. Jared thinks fleetingly of Jensen’s letter to himself.

“Am I in it?”

Jensen looks confused until Jared points his chin toward the desk. “You’re nosy.” But then Jensen smiles shyly at him. “I said it was about all the good things. What else could it be about?”

The confession is moving and Jared doesn’t yet know what to do with these emotions. He kisses Jensen with more intensity than usual and the ensuing makeout session wipes all thoughts of letters from his adolescent brain.

**_Now_ **

The sight of Jensen, bed head, yawning, sleep pants riding low on slim hips is enough to stop Jared cold. After sixty-seven days. Well, Jared needs to remember how to breathe.

“Jay?” Jensen questions. He rubs his eyes and for a moment Jared is back in Jensen’s childhood bedroom and he’s barged in a little too early on a Sunday because he missed him. And just needed to see him.

Blinking, Jared honestly doesn’t remember a word of his prepared speech. All he wants is to pull Jensen to him and let his heart beat again.

Jensen is awakening now and his eyes clear. “Tony says you never returned the signed papers.” He points to the envelope that Jared is still holding. “Did you want to bring them in person?”

A flash of anger bursts through the nostalgia. “No. This isn’t about that.”

Jensen is pulling back, arms crossed defensively. Jared knows all his tells. He’s in protective mode and very wary as to what Jared wants.

“I have something of yours.” Jared looks around and is pleased to see the sofa is clear. He moves to sit but Jensen’s posture screams stay off. Sighing, he remains standing. “Jen … “

“Jared. You shouldn’t have come.”

“You didn’t really think I’d stay away forever.” Before Jensen could start to argue Jared wants to get back on point. He holds out the envelope. “This belongs to you.”

He can see Jensen’s curious, and knows he hasn’t recognized it yet. A cautious hand comes out and takes it. Jared steps closer as Jensen pulls the letter out. His eyes widen as he sees his own writing. Trembling visibly he reads it through, hands rubbing the ink as if testing that it’s real.

Shaken, Jensen makes his way to the sofa and settles in. Jared follows quickly and sits facing him. “See, you wanted to be sure to remember the good things. Just in case you forgot one day. And I think, I think you had.”

Jensen is clutching the letter now much like Jared had for the past few weeks. Reading every line until he has it practically memorized. It’s a love letter unlike anything he could have imagined. Detailing every moment of their early days, from the moment Jensen first laid eyes on Jared. The smiles that made Jensen’s pulse speed up. The touch that caused him to flutter. The kiss that captured his heart.

Then and forever.

“Jensen, let me come home.”

Wet eyes look up finally. Jared watches the tears track down Jensen’s face. “But I’m the same. Nothing changed. And I thought I could love you enough to let you go.”

“I know. But I love you enough to not go.”

Jared sees that Jensen is not convinced. He didn’t really expect to fall back into his husband’s arms quite that easily. It had taken Jared some time himself to get himself here again. “Jen, it’s not just your good things in that letter. Every word you wrote are my truths, too. And I can’t forget.”

Wiping his eyes with his palm Jensen puts the letter down finally. “Where’d you get this, anyway? I haven’t seen it in years.”

“Danni.”

“Pushy broad. Kept telling me divorce is a bad idea.”

Jared says a silent thanks to his best friend. “Gotta trust the head cheerleader.”

“Bullshit. I was a better cheerleader than she ever was. They just gave her the job cause she had boobs.”

“True, that was her only advantage. Lord knows you’re much prettier.”

“Fuck you,” Jensen says smiling. His voice softens, he looks down. “I still don’t know. I thought … maybe if enough time had passed, we could, you know, just live apart.”

“Felt like forever,” Jared blurts because it’s true.

“Sixty-seven days.”

Jared just looks at Jensen. He doesn’t know what will happen. The future isn’t plotted and never will be. He knows where he’s come from and he knows how he feels.

And he knows the emotions in Jensen’s eyes are as bright and beautiful as they were at sixteen.

Right now. That’s enough.

**_fin_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: borgmama1of5
> 
> Artwork by apieceofcake can be seen here: [Art Masterpost](http://apieceofcake.livejournal.com/420142.html)


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